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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28864179">To Start Over</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloralSkull/pseuds/FloralSkull'>FloralSkull</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Depression, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Gen, Healing, Hydra (Marvel), M/M, Mentions of Death, Past Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Therapy, the Howling Commandos, the snap</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:53:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,078</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28864179</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloralSkull/pseuds/FloralSkull</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is no longer Captain America. Now he needs to figure out who he is without the shield.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes &amp; Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers &amp; Sam Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, whether for the timeline or for the both of them. But what he did know was that having her in his arms again, feeling her head rest against his chest, the two of them swaying peacefully around her living room, was what he needed to finally close this chapter of his life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had loved her, still loved her, would always love her, but her own words echoed in his head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And sometimes the best we can do is to start over.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was not his future and he was not hers. He could not, would not, disrupt her life this way; he just needed to say goodbye. They had never gotten that moment and it had haunted him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Now, he needed to go home. She was not his home. She could have been, had the world given them a chance. But she was someone else’s home now and someone else had always been his.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He returned late. He shouldn’t have made them wait, made them worry. But, he was home now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He passed the shield on to Sam within the week. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, wouldn’t hear any criticism about his decision. Sam would be Captain America and he would go back to being Steve Rogers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wasn't sure what that meant anymore, but for the first time in a long time, he was looking forward to finding out.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoy!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve keeps himself busy.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He sold the apartment in Brooklyn. In truth, the only reason he could afford it was because of The Snap. And now that the streets were full again, he found a discomfort in the constant noise. </p><p>An hour north of where the compound had once stood was a bit more quiet, far less expensive, and he’d found a therapist he liked out there. So he bought a small fixer-upper, some flannels - he could practically hear Nat teasing him for fully embracing the lumberjack look - and a used pick-up truck. </p><p>He immediately got to work on the house. It kept him busy, kept his mind from slipping to missions he could be helping on. Instead he filled his mornings with trips to the local hardware store, his afternoons with construction, and his nights with learning to cook. </p><p>He wasn’t bad at it either. There was a small grocery store near him that stocked just about all the essentials and a local farmer’s market that he liked to frequent on Sunday mornings. He’d like to start growing his own vegetables once he finished his renovations, and he’d made friends with a lovely older couple at the market who had been giving him tips on starting a raised garden. </p><p> </p><p>It had taken about a year to fully renovate the small house. It might have taken less time if he’d hired a contractor, and if he hadn’t accidentally taken out that one load bearing wall. He’d even built a wrap around porch.</p><p>But now he found himself anxious. His mind would slip to Bucky, who sounded tired every time they talked. Bucky, who would purposefully not bring up missions so Steve wouldn’t feel obligated to suit up. Bucky, who was being put on mission after mission because his stamina afforded his body a greater level of wear and tear.</p><p>They talked when they could. But with Nat and Tony gone, Wanda missing, and new threats popping up every six months, there was no time for them to see each other. It almost made Steve go back. Almost.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much to everyone who has read and left kudos so far :) I really appreciate it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve figures out a plan for the future.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>His therapist had asked one Fall afternoon why he had stopped drawing, and Steve didn’t have an answer. He had been drawing a lot while laying out the plans for his house, but that was about it. So he pulled out his old sketchbooks that night and flipped through pages until he was tired of seeing his own sketches.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tried to find any interest in it over the next week, but was always met with a buzzing resistance. He didn’t know what to draw. He didn’t know if he wanted to draw. He had enjoyed it once, enjoyed it when he was working on the house, but now he found no joy in sketching the trees around his property or the animals that he’d see from his porch.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She recommended he try taking a class. There were a few colleges in the area where he could audit. There wouldn’t be any harm in it, with the house done he didn’t have too much to do from day to day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He decided to audit a Charcoal Portraits class at the state college nearest him. It was a relatively small, 4-hour long class and he was able to lose himself in the motions of a skill he once loved, so he went back the next week. He continued to go back all semester and by Thanksgiving break, he had found joy, not just in drawing again, but in helping others in the class.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He decided to poke around and find out what would be required for him to teach art, which opened up an interesting door. To teach at a 4-year collegiate level, he’d need a doctorate; at a 2-year collegiate level, he’d need a masters. But to teach high school, he’d need was a bachelor's degree and a teaching certificate.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He doubted the year he’d spent in art school in the 40s would carry over any credits. But that was fine with him. He still had a good amount of savings from his time working for S.H.I.E.L.D. and he hadn’t spent all the money from selling his apartment on the renovations. By Winter, Steve had submitted a portfolio and been admitted into an art program. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had always liked kids. He hadn’t always known how to interact with them, but liked them. So why not teach them? Why not pass along the knowledge he had? He could still help make the world a better place without dying for it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much to everyone who has read and left kudos so far! I really appreciate it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Putting a family back together.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Is Peter in college by this point? Who knows? He is now!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>At first it was only Bucky who came to visit, and visit was a generous word. When Bucky was not on mission, he was at Steve’s cabin. It wasn’t a cabin, but that was just what it came to be called.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky’s mission schedule had finally started to slow down around Spring. The first few visits were brief, he only stayed for a few hours. Steve was going to school and Bucky was still on call; but they found time. Steve would make dinner or Bucky would bring a movie over for them to curl up and watch, sometimes they had time for both. Sometimes they made time for more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As Spring bled into Summer, Bucky would be at the cabin for days at a time. They would rise together to go for a run, then Bucky would make coffee and Steve would make breakfast and they would eat on the porch. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On days when Steve had class, Bucky would laze about the cabin. He would stretch out on the porch and read the books he had collected from bookstores in different cities. He roamed the property and the woods beyond. Bucky had an apartment of his own but it was bare bones and so he’d started filling up Steve’s space with books, pictures, gifts, clothes. Until, finally, Bucky moved in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sam would have been there sooner if he had any say in it. Steve knew the demanding schedule of Captain America well, so he didn’t hold it against him. After one particularly taxing mission, he had come by the cabin with Bucky. He needed time to unwind, to take his head out of his work for a bit, and Steve had no problem with Sam staying in the guest bedroom. This became a regular occurrence. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Almost like clockwork, towards the end of the month, when the missions had finally worn him down, Sam would appear. He brought stories and beer and the three of them would eat and laugh and forget for a time that they were Avengers.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Pepper showed up in the height of August, little Morgan trailing behind her. Steve was taking care of the last of his gen eds online over the Summer. He had time to walk them through the garden he had started cultivating late in Spring and had burst into life by the end of June.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He let the young girl pick the tomatoes, squash, and cucumbers before he put her up on his shoulders as they walked back to the house. He and Pepper chatted about composting as he made a squash soup for lunch. Bucky was letting Morgan put small flowers in his hair. He didn’t remove any of them until late that night.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Clint, Laura, and the kids showed up just before the start of school. By the end, Steve wasn’t sure how they had all squeezed into the cabin for the weekend, but everyone made it out alive. The kids and Laura had gone hiking near the cabin and Clint, Steve, and Bucky had sat on the porch and talked about how the two of them were doing, how the kids had been adjusting to being back, about Nat...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Peter turned up the last weekend of September. Peter had been training with Bucky for the past few months and Bucky had told Steve that college starting up hadn’t helped the kid balance his civilian/superhero life. He looked drained, sounded on the verge of a breakdown, and practically collapsed when he walked through the front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In truth, Peter wasn’t there to see Steve. But Bucky had been off God knows where - Steve certainly didn’t know, he didn’t have the clearance to know anymore - so Steve would have to suffice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They talked, they ate, and when Peter started falling asleep on his feet with one hand slowly washing his dish in small circles, Steve led him to the couch. He draped a blanket over the younger man and slid a pillow under his head. He regretted this slightly when the new angle prompted Peter to start snoring. But he chuckled under his breath and went to bed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky and Sam arrived early enough in the morning that the sky still had a pinkish hue. They were greeted by the sight of Peter, sprawled out on the couch, snoring loudly, and drooling onto the end pillow. Their laughter was loud enough to wake Steve from a relatively restful sleep and he’d sprinted down the stairs in nothing but pajama bottoms. When he reached the living room he saw both men hanging upside down from webbing and a startled Peter who had a serious case of bedhead.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much to everyone who has read and left kudos :) I really appreciate it and I hope you've enjoyed reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sometimes happy endings take time.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Steve wasn’t sure when it happened. Maybe it was Halloween, when he and Bucky had decorated the house to the nines and had attended to trick-or-treaters all night. Maybe it was Thanksgiving when the two of them had squeezed everyone into their tiny house for dinner. Or maybe it was the general sense of calm that had settled over their life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Bucky would go in for missions whenever he was needed and Steve was keeping himself busy with his classes, but the occasional calm had grown over time until it was ever present. That didn’t mean there weren’t difficulties, didn’t mean they both didn’t have things to work on. Following Steve’s lead, Bucky found a therapist. Shuri had removed the programming that Hydra had put in his head, now he needed to work through the decades of trauma they had inflicted on him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Despite all of this, the two of them had managed to build a life. A strange life. They would never have one that any civilian would consider normal. Steve himself had never thought he’d receive intergalactic messages from Thor whenever Stormbreaker went missing or from Carol whenever she was heading back to Earth. It was complicated and strange, but it was a happy life; one they never thought they could have. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They could never have imagined it when they were kids and would put the couch cushions on the floor and Bucky would wrap Steve up in his arms to keep him warm. Or when they’d sneak away from the Commandos before a battle in case one of them didn’t make it out. Or when Steve had watched Bucky vanish in front of him and thought he’d lost him for good...again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were safe. They had built something real, something solid. They had time. That was enough.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read and leave kudos! I hope you enjoyed &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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